Ugg,

I’ve been married for 15 years with a nice wife, nice home, nice job, and nice 6 year old daughter. I considered myself an intelligent guy until I read your description of the Moron, which fits me in many ways. Prior to marriage I never had what anyone would consider an active sex life, being both picky and fearful growing up around women. I can’t think of a time when I ‘owned’ the bedroom. I’ve always considered my style to be attentive and considerate, but fearful would be a better descriptor.

I was talking with my wife the other night and for the first time I really ‘got’ what she was saying about sex being different for her. She said: “It is a transcendental experience for me.” I foolishly asked what kind of man embodies that type of encounter for her “You don’t want to know.” was her reply. I asked why: “Because I don’t want you to be like that kind of man in any other way” was her answer. I was initially confused, then fearful, then depressed, and now angry. Since that talk I’ve distanced myself from her under the guise of ‘needing to find out about myself’ but with an additional aim to punish her by withdrawing.

Because of some molestation issues she had at an early age in our marriage I’ve made the bedroom a safe place for her. I now see that it’s been a boring place. I’ve always understood that women have ‘ravishment fantasies’ where they’re swept off their feet and carried away. I do not feel that that describes me.

She’s a wonderful woman - intelligent, wise, attractive, successful, kind hearted. Overall I feel I’m a good husband, father, and man; but I feel that I’ve really been Moronic in my approach in the bedroom with her and I really do not have the background, experience, or confidence to ‘just do it’.

What should I do?

Very interesting story indeed. Aside from the past sexual abuse, it’s even one that isn’t all too uncommon. Nancy Flowers has a series of books (Forbidden Flowers, My Secret Garden, etc.) that detail the fantasies of women that they would normally not “want”, but fantasize about regardless. The difference is that in their fantasies, the rage and aggression is controllable.

Molestation, especially at an early age, tends to leave emotional scars. Some women seem to have innocent higher pitched child-like voices even in adulthood as a result, while some appear completely normal and instead bear the scars and changes internally. In the Nancy Flowers books mentioned above, rape fantasies were very common. Women tended to want a man to “ravish” them as you said, but with more controlled violence than most women would ever dream of.

Often it’s their chance to relive the horrifying experience, but under the guise that they can control it somewhat this time. That it is because they will it to be, not because they were forced to endure it. Either way, it’s definitely a matter for a licensed therapist to help deal with. There are also couple counseling available that may help intermediate the uncomfortable answers you may not be prepared to deal with.

“Prior to marriage I never had what anyone would consider an active sex life, being both picky and
fearful growing up around women. I can’t think of a time when I ‘owned’ the bedroom.”

• Essentially, you’re saying that you played it safe. Even simple things like a spank or smack would be over the line for some while others love it. It’s a very gentle line to walk. It sounds as if you’re happy with your marriage, and for that reason, I’d suggest couples counseling to at least get some closure on the open issues you have. Also keep in mind that there are online communities that help men become more personally intimate with ways to improve their aggressiveness, satisfaction, and performance in the bedroom.

“Because I don’t want you to be like that kind of man in any other way”

• This appears, at least at a cursory level, to be an honest answer to a difficult question. The idea of explaining to your husband that you want to be raped, or abused, or pushed further than most would find comfortable during sex is hard to swallow. Fantasies are healthy and while you may want to look into being more aggressive or trying a few new things in the bedroom, I’d stay away from trying to be the man she’s talking about. Sex and hate go together as well as sex and love. She may dream of sex with a man she hates and despises, but doesn’t wish for you to be that man.

“Since that talk I’ve distanced myself from her under the guise of ‘needing to find out about myself’ but with an additional aim to punish her by withdrawing”

• You need to decide whether you would consider leaving the relationship to do your own thing, or if you’d like to stay and make it work. Your daughter is young now and is less likely to be affected in the long term by being upfront and honest if this relationship isn’t working out. Time is of the essence in this case. Additionally, women don’t need sex the same way men do. Because women are typically stimulated emotionally, the physical interaction that we attach to sex is not the same as the mental interaction they connect it to. Unless she’s hyper-sexual, punishing her in this way is unlikely to get the results you’re wanting. Do it if YOU need to, but not because you want to affect her - it could backfire.

Because of some molestation issues she had at an early age in our marriage I’ve made the bedroom a safe place for her. I now see that it’s been a boring place.

• The internet is rife with places with which to add spice to the bedroom. Links like this or this may help give you some ideas on how to add some spice to that “boring” place.

  Also keep in mind that you’re dealing with a grenade of emotions here. You can only do so much because you’re already invested in this relationship. The rest is for a disinterested third party to help sort out in a safe environment.

“I feel that I’ve really been Moronic in my approach in the bedroom with her and I really do not have the background, experience, or confidence to ‘just do it’”

• Time to switch it up! Hire a personal trainer to get you in shape (this can be done on a budget as well), check out a few local gyms and find one that you like. Take a look at some of the links I’ve posted above. Start showing some confidence and assurance in your approach and delivery. Essentially, most things men do to attract women aren’t actually what attracts them. The confidence that comes as a result of those things is what attracts women.

Time to move from The Moron to the Ambitious Man. Society teaches us how to deal with women from 30 years ago. Not women from today. Relationships are much more dynamic than you may have thought, especially in today’s culture, so it’s smart to read up and educate yourself on your options and what to do. Best of luck!

Tags: men, women, sex, relationship, rape, molestation, fantasies, wife, husband, cheating, bedroom