Apr 18th, 2007 by Ugg
If there is one rule of thumb to be had about snooping – it’s that you’ll often find the very stuff you wish you never knew.
Toby Keith has a song with a pertinent lyric here: “I wish I didn’t know now.. what I didn’t know then”. When faced with personal information about a partner, it’s best to imagine a large sign with big red letters that say “ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK“.
On my boyfriends computer I recently found that he goes to singles sites he never fully registers or makes a profile or pays for any of them but he goes to like yahoo personals, eharmony, americansingles and looks up a lot of profiles and on top of that he even goes to those sexual singles sites the ones where people
are just looking to hook up.
We have been together for a while and this has happened before but when i confronted him about it he said that he just wants to see if he knows anyone on those sites but that is bull… But it is really bothering me.. So how do i bring it up without making it look like ive been snooping on his computer?? And what the hell is up with him always looking on those sites?? Please Help
The unfortunate truth is that if nothing else, you’ve established that he was lying. Men and women often do this when “busted” because it ends the conversation and avoids the fact that you don’t really want an answer, you just want to talk about it.
Again though, this is neither the time nor the place. When confronting someone about something, you need to ask yourself, “Do I really want an answer? Will just an answer satisfy me? Or do I want to know why and talk about the why”. If it’s the latter, which it most often is, it’s better to take some time to really get your thoughts down. Putting someone on the spot will only allow them to give the easiest and often the worst answers. This is a serious discussion that needs to take place later when you’re more able to truly deal with the realities of the “what’s next”.
Now, on to that let’s take a look at this:
“On my boyfriends computer I recently found that he goes to singles sites”
- With the internet and the popularity of social networking, this is not uncommon. One of the first signs of a cheating partner or a partner thinking of cheating is simple things like simply creating a MySpace account. You’ll often hear that “it’s only to find old friends” which is already similar to what you’ve been told.
“He never fully registers, makes a profile, or pays for any of them but he goes to yahoo personals, eharmony, americansingles and looks up a lot of profiles”
- He’s browsing, to see what is out there. Whether he’s bored or genuinely interested, the fact is that he’s there and looking which should be of concern to you. Men need sex like they need to breathe and while men will lie to appease the women they’re with, when the enjoyment starts leaving the bedroom, they often find ways to supplement. Some men look at porn, some browse for other women, and some actually cheat.
“This has happened before but when I confronted him about it he said that he just wants to see if he knows anyone on those sites”
- You admit to yourself that you don’t believe this. And you shouldn’t. But you need to ask yourself, what have you done about it? If you truly don’t believe him, you can’t let that answer satisfy you. However, the truth is going to hurt here, and I think you’re avoiding that on purpose.
“How do I bring it up without making it look like I’ve been snooping on his computer? And what the hell is up with him always looking on those sites?”
- You really don’t need to. In this case, it’s all about how you are positioning your question. If you are ready to leave him if he admits to looking for someone else and sticking with you until he finds someone better (or willing), then just confront him. Tell him you found that on his computer and that you need an answer. It’s likely he’ll lie to you unless he’s already involved. Without irrefutable evidence (video or pics of him cheating, etc.), he’ll continue to hide behind the plausible deniability card.
What Can You Do When He Denies It Again?
There’s really nothing you can do about that, which is why you need to ask yourself how important this is to you. Do you want a man like that? Can you learn to live with the fact that he is looking elsewhere? Can you work harder and be more physically intimate without feeling like you’re not getting enough in return?
Men are physically stimulated and women are mentally stimulated (for the most part). This is why men only need a steady supply of sex with a physically attractive woman, while women start to feel used when there aren’t enough deep conversations, personal and emotional gifts, etc. Simple things like putting on weight and loss of sex drive can be enough to force a man to look elsewhere.
You need to be honest with yourself about how you feel about your options. Then confront him with what you found, and be firm. If the answer to the above is that you can’t deal with a man like that, then you have to leave. If he’s still doing this behind your back, he’s either avoiding a difficult answer to your question, or he just doesn’t care either way. If you feel that you can change, then avoid bringing it up and focus on what you think you need to change (work out, be more physically intimate, nag less, etc.).
In today’s society, promiscuity is ingrained in everything we read to everything we watch on TV. As we mature and get older we become better able to deal with dedicated relationships, but until then.. We’re fools to try and make something work, that obviously is broken beyond repair.
Then again, to play devil’s advocate.. As this article on feelingflirty.com mentions, not all the people you meet on dating sites are ready for that next step, even if they appear to be shopping…