Ugg,

I find myself in a situation where I have feelings for a woman that I know is not being honest with me. Now when I say not being honest, I mean seriously, she is just plain not telling the truth about things. Now she claims that what she tells me is the truth when it pertains to her feelings for me but I have to say that even then I am starting to question her honesty.

Not that she ever really had any. If I could go into some details about how I know she is being dishonest it would amaze you. And I know the truth and yet and still she continues to lie to me. I tell her I know the truth but still she lies. What do I do… It’s not like a light switch and I can’t just turn these feelings off. I wish I could, but I can’t.

Well it seems that if we were to apply the Five Stages of Grief, you’d be in Denial.

While most of the submissions that come my way are questions in nature, your issue seems to almost be a “getting a load off of my chest” confession. If it helps, you’re not alone - this is actually a very common issue as you come to the realization that a relationship you are in or desire to be in, is not to be.

Let’s go over a few key points and hopefully you’ll know what I mean.

“I have feelings for a woman that I know is not being honest with me”

• You don’t actually refer to this woman as your girlfriend or someone that you are in a current relationship with. Because of that, I’m going to assume that this is perhaps a close friend? Someone you know and want to break out of the “friend zone” with?

“Now she claims that what she tells me is the truth when it pertains to her feelings for me but I have to say that even then I am starting to question her honesty”

• This sounds like she is trying to say “No” as nice as possible. Imagine if you will, all the movies where you have the friend trying to start a relationship of sorts with the female star. No doubt, you’ve observed the tension in these situations as she tries to mentally find a way to both keep you as her friend, while effectively refusing your push to break stasis. As her friend, you’re no doubt important to her, even if for selfish reasons, and it would be in her best interest to keep things that way.

“If I could go into some details about how I know she is being dishonest it would amaze you”

• After being on the internet as long as I have, I can honestly say not much amazes me now. Myself aside though, it seems that you’re beginning to become sucked into the drama you’re creating with this. Rather than try to prove to others how dishonest she is, do you feel that YOU have truly accepted how true her words may or may not be?

“I tell her I know the truth but still she lies”

• I think at this point, you may be starting to come to grips with why she’s doing what she is. While being direct would be the best way to go here, it doesn’t seem she’s up to that task. So instead, you’re going to need to step up and understand why she’s just unable to admit the truth.

“I can’t just turn these feelings off”

• Sometimes the best reason to bandage a wound is simply to prevent you from dwelling on it. I think you know that you have your answer here. What you need to do is find closure for yourself. Rather than a slow bleed of emotions, I think you need to look at amputation. I’ll get into that in a moment.

So What Do You Do?

Women can be funny creatures. Many times a woman will lie to herself about a cheating husband, because the truth will only hurt. So instead she endears, slowly torturing herself more and more everyday. What needs to happen in this situation is emotional amputation.

It’s time to put up or shut up, as they say. While you have probably hinted and even suggested what you would LIKE to happen, she’s only responded in kind so far and sent suggestions right back. If you truly feel that you are not able to turn off these feelings, you are no longer able to be unbiased in your friendship. Also, it’s not fair for you to continue to harm yourself by talking about the men she’ll no doubt become involved with later.

Grab a pen and paper or open a text editor and begin typing. What would your ideal conversation go like (from YOUR perspective). Write down everything you want to say. Sleep on it, read it again in the morning, add anything you forgot, and repeat that process for a few days. Eventually, you’ll have it all in there.

Then the next time you’re together, let her know you need to be honest with her. Tell her that you have feelings for her and that you’re unable to simply be a friend anymore. Because of your feelings, you don’t feel (it is very important to use “I feel“ here) that you can be her friend anymore.

It’s easier NOT to do this, but you are trying to stop the bleeding here. Also, in her eyes she knows you’ll be there as long as she doesn’t say anything, and if she knows YOU won’t say anything… well, you get the point. It’s time to tell her the truth, and excuse yourself. Keep a copy of the letter you wrote handy so that you can remind yourself how you feel in the future. You’ll want to give in, but you need to know that you’ll only go back to where you’re at right now.

And that doesn’t sound like a very happy place.

Tags: friend, zone, girlfriend, boyfriend, men, women, sex, relationship, dating, lying, dishonest, feeling, confession