Guy cheats on girl. Guy has girlfriend back home. But it gets better…

Ugg,

I’m a college student, in a dorm room with one of my friends who I went to high school with. He is in a long term, long distance relationship, more than two and a half hours of driving time. His girlfriend is still in high school, and we both started attending college. My roommate is a cool guy, but he is in no way monogamous. It has never really bothered me that he has cheated on her. When I said cheating, I say that in the term of him making out with other girls and ending up shirtless with other girls, but never having sex. Last night (while I was in the room watching a movie) he ended up with his hand of the pants of a girl who travels in our circle of friends. Only an hour or so earlier, that girl broke things off with her interest and ended up in our room. They got pretty baked and ended up in some major foreplay.

What pisses me off is that about a week ago, my roommate and I, and my best friend Justin, had a conversation with my roommate where he said things would change and he was trying to be monogamous. Clearly, that didn’t last . The other thing that pisses me off is that my roommate is fooling around with someone in our circle of friends, which could rip the entire group apart. My friend Justin and myself consider ourselves to be the more objective, moral members of the group, and we have no idea what we’re going to do.

I need to vent and ask for advice: what the hell should I do about this? If I don’t say anything, nothing will happen. but I’ll be bothered. His girlfriend deserves so much more respect than she gets, but she knows nothing of his infidelity. I feel horrible for her. If I do say something to him (besides the joking, he knows that I know) I create strife in our harmonious room. I could try to communicate but I know him and I know people, and I believe that it won’t change anything. If I tell the group, the group may more or less crack down on both of them and then everything goes to hell. What the hell should I do?

You need to make a decision as to where your loyalty lies. Who do you like more? Your friend, or his girlfriend?

The reason I ask is that several things appear horrifically wrong in your question.

WTF Items:

• “He is in a long term, long distance relationship”
  • This is a bad thing. This is even MORE bad because you are in college. As cliche as it sounds, college is about figuring out who you are, what you want in life, and what you plan to do about it. At least in your freshmen/sophomore years. Being tied down to a LTR/LDR like in your case, is NOT a wise decision. Chances are, this puts her in the place to do the same thing he is with enough plausible deniability to play it off as an “oops” ordeal. That relationship strain puts them both in an arms race of emotions.
• “His girlfriend is still in high school”
  • At first I thought I was being too assumptive with the first bullet. Not anymore. High school is so rife with sexual tension, exploration, and stigmas, that by allowing a relationship like this to continue, literally put her in the lion’s den. Also - there is NO reason to be in an LTR/LDR in high school - it’s like playing with old dynamite. It probably won’t explode, but it might.
• “Only an hour or so earlier, that girl broke things off with her interest and ended up in our room. They got pretty baked and ended up in some major foreplay.”
  • This is EXACTLY what I was talking about when I touched on Plausible Deniability in the Lindsay Lohan article. Here we’re just replacing booze with weed. It is pretty safe to assume that this girl came to your pad with a plan for a hearty revenge-screw or ended her previous relationship FOR this dude. In other words, she’s the fire next to your old dynamite that “probably won’t explode”.
• “he said things would change and he was trying to be monogamous”
  • This is what I call the “When Faced With a Giant Lion” response. Folks choose fight or flight responses based on their emotional foundations. They often choose the path of least resistance and search for the quickest possible resolution. Especially men. We’re not emotional creatures so we don’t really enjoy talking about our feelings. We’re naturally analytical and are already halfway through the mental puzzle looking for the end and the cheese. In other words - your friend likely said these words to get out of a tight spot (the giant lion). Highly likely, he doesn’t WANT to be a jerk deliberately. He just doesn’t want to have to stop what he enjoys doing for some stupid ‘emotional feeling’ drama. There’s chickLogic and manThink - this is manThink.
• “His girlfriend deserves so much more respect than she gets, but she knows nothing of his infidelity.”
  • Deep down, I’m pretty sure she feels that he’s capable. The key is whether or not she admits it to herself. Conversations that start with “he just wouldn’t do that” already indicate it’s the latter. Everyone cheats if the motivation is there. The key in a relationship is balancing the pleasure/pain ratio so that both partners know it is not in the other partner’s best interest to look elsewhere for sex. Secondly, she sounds like she may be Miss Naive and if so, your protective defense of her is justified, but this isn’t your battle. This is HER life lesson to learn and the best you can do is help mitigate the friendly fire and lower the drama to the point where she can actually learn from this mistake.
• “I could try to communicate but I know him and I know people, and I believe that it won’t change anything.”
  • Good. You have potential People won’t change - even in the “Giant Lion” situation. We naturally look for the easy out. Next step is to figure out what to do. You’ve moved out of the “Reaction” phase and onto the “Response” phase. Most people don’t get this far, sad as that may sound.
• “If I tell the group, the group may more or less crack down on both of them and then everything goes to hell”
  • Plausible Deniability is a wonderful thing. It works in cases like this too. The fact is, the group will find out. You have the ability to shape the vessel that delivers this ultimate truth to them. Which will in turn, shape their response and reaction. Can you find a way to educate the group to this behavior without implicating yourself? Then it becomes “the group’s” issue and not “yours”. You can assume a leadership role in helping to position the “group’s response” to an effective one - or you can be stuck defending yourself when you become the jerk in all this.

What the hell should I do?

A few things are going to happen here and if you want to truly control where this goes, you’ll need to find the smartest way to make those happen. The first is that the relationship needs to end. Whether the girl back home ever finds out or not about his infidelity - it needs to end. She needs to start moving on.

Next, you need to find some way to be the good guy and let the group find out without putting you in harm’s way. At that point, you can help steer the response of the group to something where everyone is cool.

The guy knows he’s busted, from what you make it sound like. So for him, he’s already starting to accept the ultimate reality that things are gonna get out here. For the greater good, maybe find a way to set him up, so that if you’re the only one who knows, now he’s responsible for the trickle down effect of the truth. You shouldn’t have to be the bad guy for your friend’s actions. People should be honest and treat those in their life like they deserve honesty. Be proactive, it sounds like you have a handle on it.

Tags: long, distance, relationship, dating, cheating, boyfriend, girlfriend, plausible, deniability