I Just Found Out My Girlfriend Used To Sleep Around A Lot - What Do I Do?
Mar 10th, 2007 by Ugg
Ugg,
I recently found out that my girlfriend of 2 months has had probably between 10 and 15 partners. Less than half of them were from relationships, and the rest was from her college/party days, which was about 3 years ago.
She tells me that she thinks about this every day with disgust and how her past haunts her. She admitted that she made mistakes and was looking for love/companionship in the wrong way. Though, I can’t seem to get these images out of my head of this type of activity–it kinda sickens me to think about it. She said she had changed after she graduated college and never slept around again.
Going into the relationship, I knew she was a wild/energetic girl, but I didn’t know she partook in that behavior. I know I have to accept that she is now a different person and that I love her for who she is now and she loves me (but the images still remain). She also has a hard time letting go/forgiving herself for the past. Has anybody been in this situation? How do we forget the past and look to the future? I know the answer is obvious, but I just wanted to get some opinions.
Interesting question - and one that speaks to all men out there. There’s the double standard that women should be proper and the thought of them enjoying sex AND enjoying it often, makes us uneasy at times.
For women, sex acts a lot like currency. Sex for a woman is something to be traded and bartered for the items in her life that she wants. Satisfy a rich man who can afford a nice lifestyle for a woman, and he will give it up in return. When dealing with sex without romance, this is as basic as it gets.
When women realize the power they have by giving or withholding sex, they can get reckless. Additionally, women who grew up in unstable or abusive households often crave control. They have no control over their lives and sex is the one powerful thing in their life that they can use to keep control over someone else. Often it’s not intentional, but many times women treat sex the same way a man treats money. I’m going to go into this later in another article.
Let’s go over a few key points though:
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“my girlfriend of 2 months has had probably between 10 and 15 partners. Less than half of them were from relationships”
- She’s graduated college, so I’m assuming she’s in her early-mid 20’s here. First off, don’t be too presumptuous. Two months is still the “getting to know each other” phase, and it sounds like that’s happening. Secondly, women get approached all the time by guys - it’s very easy to get sucked into someone’s world, especially when they’re in a fragile state (after a breakup for example). I would bet that a couple of these partners were one relationship after another - probably seeking balance in her life.
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“the rest was from her college/party days, which was about 3 years ago”
- As I said above, women are approached all the time. When dealing with an environment like college, things happen. Don’t let this define her as it’s probably true that if you had the same chances she had, you’d have taken them as well. Again, young women are barely getting used to the power that they have with sex. It’s very easy to make mistakes, but it’s also important she recognize and admit to them. Otherwise she’s lying to herself.
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“She tells me that she thinks about this every day with disgust and how her past haunts her. She admitted that she made mistakes and was looking for love/companionship in the wrong way. Though, I can’t seem to get these images out of my head of this type of activity–it kinda sickens me to think about it. She said she had changed after she graduated college and never slept around again.”
- A man’s ‘power’ is his dominance, his alpha role in the relationship. The reason you feel sickened is because you want to view her as a slut, but care for her - this is natural. I’d say it’s pretty safe to say that she grew up sheltered or hindered in some way. From what you say she sounds genuine, and that she marks her ‘rebirth’ at the graduation level makes it easier to trust her. If she said she stopped after her last relationship, or a month or two ago - I’d be more skeptical.
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“Going into the relationship, I knew she was a wild/energetic girl, but I didn’t know she partook in that behavior. I know I have to accept that she is now a different person and that I love her for who she is now and she loves me (but the images still remain).”
- They always will. Just as women crave a strong man to make them feel secure, safe, and loved - a man desires a woman who wants to be made secure, safe, and loved. By being with many other partners, she’s taken or stolen that away from you. Because others were allowed to give that to her making your worth appear lessened. It’s manThink in action.
So What To Do?
Well, first off - you’ve already established she’s had a troubled past of some sort. Insecurities have already forced her to compromise the things she wants in the future. Now it’s time to see whether that truly changes her actions and attitude or if she falls into the helplessness and continues into that behavior. In other words - you need time to feel out the situation.
You’re going to run into women like this. It’s the ‘new woman’. So take this time to deal with those demons on your own and accept that you’re not in your mom and dad’s reality, but in one where the rules are different. In the meantime, don’t go overboard trying to give her the security she probably craves. Don’t propose to her, don’t make promises you are not sure you can keep, and don’t punish yourself for her happiness. You’ll only become an enabler. She is in a stage where she’s maturing and will need the support, but also the freedom to make tough decisions.
Now the question is - do you feel that you’re jealous of her lifestyle? Keep your finger on the pulse of this question. As things settle, do you feel truly ready to be in a committed relationship? If not - end things now and allow yourself to find out what you want. Often times when you deal with accepting someone being with multiple partners, the taboo is lifted and suddenly you realize if it’s OK, you want a piece of that.
However, that’s a life of constantly chasing and one that can wear you down. If you have deep feelings for the girl, take things slow, and realize that both of you have issues you need to deal with - and that maybe you can deal with them together.
You’re young and have been in a relationship for 2 months. Remind yourself of that. She deserves time to figure out who she is outside of a crazy and frenzied lifestyle. You deserve time to see how that makes you feel and to get an idea of what you want. Use protection, birth control, and relax and give things time. Marriage and/or a pregnancy would be a bad decision right now.
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This just goes to show that men aren’t comfortable with promiscuous women in the long run when it comes to settling down with them. You’re right that women loving sex as much DOES make guys feel uneasy, even if they don’t admit it.
Guys complain about women not “having as high as a sex drive” or taking too long to sleep with them, but then they freak out when they find out that their partner has had a history of being a sex fiend.
You did a great job hitting things on the dot in terms of a guy feeling as if his sense of protecting a woman is threatened after finding out that other men have had her. When guys say they love sex-crazed women, they only like it when THEY’RE getting a piece of her. It’s like being able to have that delicious cake to yourself, and not sharing it with anybody else. You wouldn’t want to eat a cake that’s been eaten by others.
This is why I think it’s best to NOT share your sexual past with a guy nor it is necessary to jump into sex too quickly (some guys assume that you must be doing this with other men). Men say one thing, but do another.
I’m a woman myself and realize that this kind of thinking isn’t fair. Based on my life, men tend to be repulsed by seriously dating or marrying an openly promiscuous woman.
They would love to have a hook-up with you, but it ends there……No wait, it ends after they’re done bashing us to their friends and telling their friends to get a peice of us as well.
I met my girlfriend when she was 15 and I was 18, some may not approve but it was nothing funny, anyway that’s a different story.
Before meeting her I have only been with 1 woman due to feeling sexually inadequate after spending most of my life around 2 ‘good-looking bullies’ who always took everyone I liked. After developing a relationship with my current girlfriend I find out she lost her virginity at 14, slept with 13 people inbetween then and me meeting her (two of them being, well, guess who) and it makes me so insecure. On several occasions I have had to listen to her friends tell her about lads she has been with saying stuff about her nails in their back and other stuff I really didn’t wanna hear. She says she regrets it but it dosen’t help. Any advice apart from ‘leave her’ would be appreciated as that will be a last resort as I have been with her for a year now.
Thank you.
its up to you, I think every guy is haunted by images of their girlfriends past. Thats a really young time to become that sexually active and I wouldn’t be surprised if there are other issues going on. At the same time, she was really young. Easy to take advantage of and not secure enough to say no once she got started. Maybe you can make it work by helping her through whatever caused it in the first place. But if my girl had slept with not one but two people I hated, I wouldn’t be able to deal.
my girlfriend is 16 and she tells me that she loves me. but she sleeps with lots of ppl who r 21 or older aand she still talks to most of the guys. i love her and she feels the same way but it hurts sometimes and i can tell sexually because she is loose. b4 we started dating she claimed she had unattached sex and gave head to this 26 year old who wanted to fight me. im 15. what do i do:((
If she loves you and continues to sleep around then shes gotta be dropped homeboy. If she really did lovee you then she wouldnt do this to you. so all that being said, you need to either tell her this or drop her and never look back. If you dump her, tell her that her vagina smells bad, it will screw with her head for years to come….but you gotta keep a straight face and say it calmly
There is a fact that people need to accept about relationships: Both men and women enjoy sex. The number of partners or different situations has never bothered me when the person is outside of a relationship, versus how they treat a partner they are seriously involved with.
For instance, my fiancee is 24 and has been with over 30 men, and yes, I also know many of the explicit details. 25 of them were in a 13 month period; most of them were unprotected (on the pill); most were also short-term encounters (2-3 times after knowing the person a week or so); she had a MMF threesome; she was caught giving oral sex in a dorm bathroom; she slept with someone based on a rumor of how big he was; and lots of other details.
And guess what…..none of it bothers me a bit.
Why?
She has also had 3 relationships of one year or more (including ours), in which she has remained completely faithful. This fact means more than wanting to have a good time & get laid while she was single.
I’ve heard questions like:
“She says 30, how do you know it’s not 60?”
What’s the difference?
“How do you know she’s not lying about cheating?”
Odds. She admitted to a laundry list of several things that would send many men running for the hills. Most women would lie about the number or situations before they’d lie about cheating.
“Don’t you get jealous of thinking about her past?”
Nope. Our sex life is SPECTACULAR. We both satisfy each other completely. Plus, one advantage to being with an experienced woman is that she knows what it takes to please herself, as well as how to give pleasure.
“What would you do if you met one of her encounters?”
I’d probably start by shooting the BS like I would any normal guy. If it degraded into “HAHA, I banged your woman”, I would probably say something along the lines of “Big deal, she’s dropped her panties for lots of guys. She’s been faithful to me longer than anyone else.”
“Don’t you worry she’s had bigger?”
I don’t worry she’s had bigger; I know she’s had bigger. Never felt the need to ask for specifics, but the odds are 29-to-1 against me being the biggest.
“Don’t you/she feel like she was used?”
Asked her this directly, the response was a quick and definitive “no”. People needlessly associate women who have high numbers of sex partners with being used. She went in to each encounter without expectations, knew exactly what she wanted and got it. She wasn’t using sex to cover up any emotional issues or otherwise. She basically lived life like *gasp* a man; she wanted to get laid, and did.
You are a legend my friend. I aspire to be as strong-minded as you, and its inspirational what you have written. I hope you really are living by these words here.
At 22 my girlfriend was my 1st, at 30, I’m her 9th. Nowhere near as many as your girlfriend. Although a weekend in barcelona on weed, revealed many secrets I wish I hadn’t asked in my drugged state.
Never thought this stuff would bother me, but it did.
Only way I can escape it, is by focusing on living in the moment. not letting my imagination and thoughts of the past come in a destroy the intense love thats happening right now. Kind f like mediation i guess.
I think its all too tiring and unnecessarily painful as well, thinking of her past. Anyway I’m very glad you wrote this, now I know it can be done.
I’m a guy who got married at the age of 20, I’m currently 26. My wife confided in me long before we got married that I was her 24th. That really didn’t phase me much at the time because I was going through some problems as well, and besides that we were in that crazy-love stage of the relationship. I told her it didn’t matter, I loved her, end of story.
Fast forward six years. Over the time that we’ve been married I’ve had to hear her go on about her “past”, to close friends, people in church support groups etc… It drove me mad. At one point we got into an argument going over to her grandmother’s house on holiday, about her past and how in retrospect, I was rather disappointed that I hadn’t taken the few chances that were given to me in high school/early college. It just seemed totally worthless to me that I put forth the restraint to wait for that one right person, only to find out (and then later, truly sink in) that she obviously didn’t give a damn about waiting, and had she not packed on a ton of weight, she would have continued doing so. (I’ve tried to get her to work on getting back in shape with me, but she won’t because she attributes it to “that time in her life”.)
The only shred of pride I can hold onto is that I’ve been told by her friends (and funny enough, my brother in law), that I’m the best-looking, and best overall guy she’s met, unlike the rest of the trash she dated/slept with. She’s told me I’m the best she’s ever had, but in light of everything, that just doesn’t seem to matter to me.
At this point in life, if I were to wait for a girl who was also waiting until marriage (and was attractive without being insane), I’d be single for the rest of my life. In retrospect, the best thing I could have done for myself was to jump at every chance I had. I fooled around with a few girls in high school, but didn’t sleep with them. I thought there was virtue in being a nice guy… but as the saying goes, nice guys finish last. Too bad I didn’t discover that truth until it was too late. Things might have felt a bit less painful.
The best bet I have now is to push the both of us back into peak shape, and start working on her with the concept of “swinging”. Does that contradict the statement above? Yeah. But at this point in the game… oh, f******, well.
Been married nearly 20 years. Just found out that my wife didn’t disclose her past when we got married. Instead of having 13 boyfriends and 1 one night stand she told me about prior to marriage, it’s now up to 25+ one nightstands & counting as she remembers things. Claims she just mis-counted and thought I knew everything back then. I guess I was supposed to read her mind or something. To me the difference between 1 and 25+ is NOT miscounting! I was not a virgin when we married but had only been in a couple long term relationships & considered sex something special, not just to be given away to whomever happens to be around.
Also found out lots of drugs were used and nearly all the one night stands consisted of… go to party, get drunk, pick some guy, go somewhere a little private, let him do whatever he wants… or just suck his dick right at the party to start things off. She didn’t even know the name of quite a few of them. Several she was so drunk, she doesn’t really know what happened but is certain she had sex (how does this work?). Unfortunately, many of them live & work very near us and I REALLY don’t want to run into them - already ended up talking for a day with one of them before I knew who he was. Felt pretty sick after I found out.
Now instead of thinking about my wife having boyfriends, I have visions of her being the town slut. When I kiss her, I think of all the dicks that have been in that mouth. She’s never wanted to suck my dick because she said she doesn’t like to. I never thought much of it until she told me of all the times she did that at parties for other guys - now it really pisses me off. How to I stop these thoughts & images?
I believe she has been faithful these past 20 years and I love her and am committed to working through this. I’m really not sure where to start though. Any advice appreciated.
I’m a psychologist and would like to try to help out.
If your wife was promiscuous as a teenager, it is highly likely she was very ashamed about it and that is why she never fessed up to you about it. Generally, girls who are promiscuous like that have a very poor self image, and feel that the only way to get boys to like them is to give them what they want sexually. The girl honestly feels that she is good for nothing but sex. The oral sex (to a girl like I’m describing) was probably more of a degradation thing than a sexual preference that she enjoyed. Her unwillingness to engage in oral sex with you makes me more inclined to believe that she views it still as a degrading act that she wishes to avoid. With counseling, she may be able to get past that and enjoy oral sex with you one day.
I would suggest to you the possibility that she may have been sexually molested as a child. Many girls who were molested as children end up being promiscuous as teens and even as adults. She may have no strong recollection of the molestation, but probably has some images in her mind of situations that occurred.
I would also suggest to you that your wife is needing your understanding and compassion about this. It was likely something that haunted her for all those years.
I know for your male pride (not meaning this in a derogatory way) it must be very difficult, especially with the boys (now men) that used her sexually being your acquaintances. If need be, you could always re-locate to another area to have a fresh start. You’re never too old to do that. A change of scenery could be good for both of you. If you would like, I can try to offer some help and counsel to your wife. My email address is rkyobo@gmail.com.
God bless!
I was with my now ex-girlfriend for 10 months, it was all I could handle knowing her past and what she went through. She opened up to me very quickly about her running away from home, getting involved with the wrong crowd, being raped at 14, getting pregnant 3 times, aborting all 3, losing her virginity at 13 and sleeping around with many men, from the age of 13 – 18 and never using protection, just the pill. She even described the type of guys she was with, and to be honest I was disgusted, but she felt she was saving some of these men she was with, ugh… I just didn’t understand her mentality of how she was saving a man from ruining his life that was married with kids.
When we started dating I was 29 and she was 21. This was a first for me, a gap in age this large. As time went on I started to feel insecure about our future together. I was ready to be a father, I knew exactly what I wanted in life and she had many of those developing qualities I wanted in a life partner. But to be honest she was not the type of girl you take home to mom, but I did. The turning point for me was kids. I consider myself a good guy and I’ve always wondered why good boys fall for girls with a history of childhood problems that led them down the wrong path in life, and with that said I did not in any shape or form enter this relationship thinking this girl needed saving or changing. Like I said earlier, I consider myself a good guy and I’m proud of who I am, and I would be proud one day if I have a son or daughter who turns out like me. But I couldn’t say the same thing about my girlfriend, maybe I just over analyzed all of this, but I saw myself one day sitting at home, frustrated at my wife and saying something like, our daughter is just like you, that’s what you did when you were her age and now she’s doing the same thing. I just wasn’t proud of my girlfriend to say one day I’d be proud that my daughter turned out just like her.