I remember having this exact (well, sort of) conversation with a friend a long time ago. Essentially, because there is a limited period of use for the man on his (insert word of choice here), there is a lot of work involved to make sure that the woman walks away with a good impression of that man’s performance.

This is also the reason men love blowjobs. For once, we don’t have to do all the work, and can instead relax and enjoy the performance YOU are giving!

Reading this email from a friend, I was cracking up at how realistic it really is. Definitely a read that men and women can enjoy.

Guys are quiet in bed because we are too busy thinking. You heard me right. Thinking. Deep thoughts. You see, it seems to generally the guy’s job, (at least in my experience) to make the girl feel as good as possible and have sweet, sweet orgasms. The girl, on the other hand, is generally content to just lay back and see what I’ve got to offer. Again, I can’t speak for anyone else, this is just in my personal experience.

Not only am I thinking during sex, I am multi-tasking. My neuro-net processor of a brain is pounding algorithms as fast as my penis is pounding vagina.

Just what is going through my head during sex? Like the moon, this is a frontier so far journeyed only by man. But here is a small window of what goes on in my head during sex:

“Alright, time for some action”
“I hope I don’t f*ck up this time”
“Is that the right hole?”
“Oh wait, there it is”
“All right, lets start out slow”

It isn’t long before my thoughts turn into a quiet panic.

BRAIN: “Damn, she just moved.”
BRAIN: “Did I do something right, or did I hurt her”

BRAIN: “She’s making noises!”
BRAIN: “Pain noises or pleasure noises?”
BRAIN: “Let try stepping up the pace a little”
BRAIN: "More noises, I pretty sure that's pleasure now"
BRAIN: "Oh yeah, she's starting to flush, I like that"
BRAIN: "Lets try changing the angle a bit"
.............................
BRAIN: "Nope, didn't like that"

BRAIN: “Damn, what was I doing before?”
BRAIN: “F*ck it, lets try a different position”
WOMAN: “OUCH!”
BRAIN: “Yeah….that one was definitely pain>
WOMAN: “What are you doing?”
BRAIN: “Mayday! Mayday!”
BRAIN: “Decrease Velocity!”
BRAIN: “Open flaps”
BRAIN: “Landing gear engaged”
BRAIN: “Disengage primary thrusters”
BRAIN: “Systems check”
ME: “You alright?”
WOMAN: “Uh….Yeah”
BRAIN: “No system damage”
ME: “Alright, lets try this again”

—five minutes later….computer pretty much takes over—
BRAIN: “Alright, back on track”

BRAIN: “Target in sight, hold position”

BRAIN: “C’mon…….C’mon”

BRAIN: “Hold it……Hold it…..”
COMPUTER: WARNING! WARNING!
COMPUTER: ERR-ERR-ERR
BRAIN: “Oh sh*t”
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD IMMINENT
BRAIN: “Oh sh*t, not yet!”

BRAIN: “Just a little longer”
COMPUTER: DANGER HULL INTEGRITY
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD COMMENCING
BRAIN: “F*CK! I’m not going to make it”
BRAIN: “Pull out and prepare for manual override”
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD __________
BRAIN: “Pull out, pull out”
COMPUTER: AUTO PILOT ENGAGED
BRAIN: “NO! UNENGAGE! UNENGAGE!”
COMPUTER: TARGET LOCKED….TARGET LOCKED
BRAIN: “If I cum now, will it be too soon?”
BRAIN: “If I cum now, will it be too soon?”
BRAIN: “If I cum now, will it be too soon?”
COMPUTER:
COMPUTER:
BRAIN: “Must….hold….on”
COMPUTER:
BRAIN: “can’t…..hold it”
COMPUTER:
BRAIN: “Its out of my control, its in God’s hands now”
COMPUTER: “PRIMARY VALVE: EJACULATING”

COMPUTER: “AUTOMATIC SYSTEM SHUT DOWN: COMMENCING”

WOMAN: “Honey, are you alright?”
ME: Yeah…..my head hurts….”
WOMAN: “Sorry”
ME: No, the other head”
WOMAN: “What?”
ME: Nothing”
ME: Did you cum”
WOMAN: “What, you didn’t notice”
ME: Actually, I was kinda too busy to notice”
WOMAN: “You’re so weird”
ME: You should try being the pilot next time”
WOMAN: “Get off me, I need to pee”

Do you ever find that pre-orgasm expression on a guys face funny?
Ever wonder what he’s feeling”
Its not pain
Its not pleasure
It is deep, hard, seething thought.

Tags: men, relationships, dating, sex, bedroom