“It’s Not You.. It’s Me..” Something everyone has heard at one point or another, whether it was said to them or overheard.
Breaking up is hard to do, or at least that’s what someone once said. When a marriage or serious relationship with a significant other ends it can affect your health, affect your outlook on people, and make you downright bitter.
Sometimes there’s a comedic silver lining to the breakup. Below are a few stories that have been sent in of some of the funniest breakups. If they can’t find joy in their misery, maybe you can.
I had a boyfriend all throughout high school. He was so respectful and totally understood that I wasn’t ready to do anything past a casual make out. He never pressured me for anything physical. He was in theater with me, really funny, and generally dressed well. I thought I’d hit the jackpot.
We went to separate colleges and mine started a week before his. The first week I told my new roommates I had a boyfriend and it would be long distance for a little bit. They thought it was so romantic that we were staying together.
The day his parents dropped him off at school, he called. I was ready to hear all about the move-in. Instead, he broke up with me! But it didn’t go how I thought it would.
“Thanks so much for all these years! I wouldn’t have made it through high school without you, seriously! I’m so glad we’re free to date other people now. I need your dorm address so I can send you some stuff of yours and some flowers I got you. I will never forget your kindness.”
“What? Why are you breaking up with me?” hysterical crying
“Haha, good one. I hope we both meet great guys. Bye!”
Then it hit me – he was gay! Everyone knew but me! I didn’t date again until nearly the end of college, and I made sure he wanted to sleep with me.
It’s like there’s a common thread here but I can’t put my cocain.. err.. finger on it.
I got dumped when I went to college and she stayed behind because she didn’t want to hurt me. Turns out she was banging her new found drug dealer.
Dated her again 2 years after college. I got dumped because she didn’t want to hurt me. Turns out she was banging her new found drug dealer.
This one is a classic and one of the better revenge stories related to relationships that I’ve heard of so far.
“I decided that Valentine’s Day was the perfect day to go through with it, but since I’d caught her cheating last week I hadn’t thought to get reservations anywhere. Thanks to a friend, I managed to get a spot for us at a really nice restaurant by the lake (I live in Austin). I told my girlfriend that I’d come over to her apartment before we went out and make some drinks while she got ready.
I had already packed all of her stuff from my own apartment, including the expensive face cream she keeps (and yeah, I jerked off into it so she’ll be wearing my facial everyday for months). I put all of her crap in a travel bag and drove over to her apartment. I left the bag in the car and went in. She busted out some glasses and bottles of liquor for me to make drinks and then got in the shower. While she was in there, I grabbed the bag from my car and put it in her closet. I also hid a 3-pack of condoms in the bag but only left two rubbers in it. She’ll probably find them, think I left them accidentally and always wonder if I cheated on her– we lost our virginity to each other and never used condoms. She was still in the shower during this time and I grabbed her cellphone and deleted myself from it.
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